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Helping Young Children Understand Death

Cynthia Waderlow, MSE, LCSW

You have experienced an incomprehensible loss. For a period of time the utter confusion and dismay of your loss due to the suicide of your spouse or child will challenge your entire being. After this kind of tragedy, your disbelief at what has occurred, your sense of the deceased person’s presence, your habitual expectations for meeting with the person you lost whenever the phone rings or the dinner hour approaches is a normal phase of adult grief, and yet we can be amazed at the power of magical thinking that can occupy our consciousness when we believed ourselves to be rational adults. Our perception and sense of the present and future can become disoriented as we struggle to integrate the sudden end of a loved one’s life. And when your young child stands before you asking where their parent or sibling is, why they can’t wake up, or why you cannot call them, it will give you pause. Facing what the heart and mind wants to deny can be challenging for those of any age, but when this loss confronts a child who does not have an understanding of death, adjustment to the loss can be even more difficult.

Abstract thinking skills may become available to a child between the ages of 7 and 11. Each child develops at their own rate, so you must know your child’s capability as you begin to help them conceptualize death’s permanence, physical reality and universality.

Permanence: Young children do not understand “forever.” Their experience has taught them to accommodate temporary absences and returns. Secure children master the ability to separate with the knowledge that their attachment figures will leave for a while and eventually return. So, even though speaking about permanence may feel uncomfortable, you can help your child begin to mourn with gentle, but direct language that avoids use of phrases such as “passed away, resting in peace” or “passed over.” Younger children are likely to grapple with magical thinking as they experience themselves in relationship to the loss, convincing themselves that if they behave a certain way, or wait near the door, their loved one will return. Very simply, you can begin a dialogue with your child that speaks to what they cannot not yet grasp: “When someone dies, this means the body does not work anymore. They don’t feel any pain. They cannot wake up, or eat or play or see or hear or talk or walk. They don’t need their body anymore. We will not see them anymore.”

The Physical Reality of Death: Life functions are a confusing concept for young children. Children may have worries that the loved one is lonely or in pain after dying, as they may project their own fears onto the deceased. As we stated above, you can emphasize that the body of the deceased person cannot feel pain or loneliness. The heart stops beating, the blood does not circulate, the person does not breathe anymore. Be aware that statements like, “Daddy is watching over us” might add to a younger child’s confusion as they try to come to terms with permanence. This type of spiritual perception or belief functions differently for adults who are grieving, but who understand death. If you feel the need to talk about Heaven or the after-life, the most important piece is to emphasize that the deceased will not return to be with your child again. Be patient with your child, and yourself, as every human mind struggles to grasp “forever” when it comes to the death of someone we loved very much.

The Universality of Death: Basically, universality means awakening to the fact that every living thing eventually dies. Parents often try to shield their children from this fact. They may assure their young ones that they do not need to worry about death, that this is what happens to very old people. Yet, children will confront this contradiction when a friend or relative does die before getting very old. Younger children can be quick to believe that the death was their fault or the person who died had been “bad.” Death can be frightening for all of us. As children begin to think about the inevitability of death, they are likely to begin to worry that you will die, or even that they will die. You can tell your child that people die from old age, very bad accidents and very serious illness, and that these are rare for children. You can assure your child that you are doing everything possible to take care of them and yourself so that you can live as long as possible.

These are difficult, but intimate conversations that can take place over time as your child develops. Your child, like all of us, will face death best in the light of love and connection offered by a compassionate and committed caregiver. Encourage your child to explain what he or she understands of death. When you discuss why your loved one died, in this case, by suicide, do not use graphic descriptions. Suicide deaths are best explained after your child has a good understanding of the concept of death. Offer only what you believe can be taken in without frightening your child. But to this extent, honesty is very important. Lying or hiding important facts can lead to anger and distrust in your relationship later. We do not want children to believe that they could have changed the outcome. Keep in mind that grieving and mourning are based on what we know and relate to, and for each unique child this can be based on the caregiver’s sensitive teaching. As each child comes into the knowledge of death, this will be the foundation for their story of loss, and what they say about themselves relative to the loss. You will have poignantly introduced your child to grief and the life-long process of meaning-making.

Please continue to send your "Children's Corner" topics to Cwaderlow@catholiccharities.net.

We recommend the following resources to assist you:

References
Wolfelt, A. D. (2001). Healing a child’s grieving heart: 100 practical ideas for families, friends and caregivers, Fort Collins, CO.: Companion Press.