This morning I attended my daily water aerobics class. The indoor pool has signs posted for those who use the pool from young to old.  One sign says in bold red letters.  WARNING: NO LIFEGARD ON DUTY.  As I twisted and stretched in the soothing water, my mind traveled forward to this afternoon’s panel presentation (LOSS presented to a staff that recently lost three employees to suicide). I wondered what I would say or could say that might be helpful to those in the room who have had the horrific loss of a loved one by suicide. As I, too, am a survivor, having lost my son, Joey, over 31 years ago, I tried to key into the most difficult hurdles I had to face immediately following Joey’s death.  That sign on the wall kept flashing at me like a traffic signal.  Was I guilty of being negligent?  Was I a bad mother?  Why couldn’t I save my own son’s life?  Did I fail my duty?

So what about the pools where there are lifeguards – on duty.  Then I recalled a tragedy that occurred in a well-guarded swimming pool 3 years ago this month.  My friend’s beautiful little 6-year-old granddaughter, Maeve, drowned on a lovely summer day.   A young lifeguard was alerted that Mauve was missing.  She jumped in only to discover her lifeless body at the bottom of the pool.  Emergency measures were applied – to no avail. She lost her life in an unforeseeable, unfortunate accident.  All those questions I asked myself way back then also can be asked here.

Though Joey wasn’t visibly in deep water unable to swim, he was in deep depression and couldn’t or wouldn’t cry out for help. I didn’t know how to save him.  I tried to help him in the last months of his life but to no avail. I never thought that he would complete the act of suicide at the tender age of 21.  I miss him every day of my life.  I didn’t cause him to make this terrible choice – In my heart of hearts, I never knowingly hurt him.  I wished that I had the knowledge that might have changed what happened.

So, even if there is no lifeguard  or a coterie of lifeguards, the outcome may well be the same.  All the things that you did or might have done may not have made a difference in the tragic outcome.  We beat ourselves up because of the love connection and the misconception that we are in control of them.  If love could keep them alive, they would still be here.  We will keep on loving them and it will hurt again and again. We have to ask “why” because that’s how we’re made.

Many of you are “healers”but the people we lost didn’t stand in the middle of the pool and yell “Save Me.” So we couldn’t help them. Those who complete suicide are usually very secretive about it.  They make sure that we aren’t around, or, they go away from us to hide so that we cannot rescue them. They do not ask our permission.

Like the case of little Maeve, no one knew she was at the bottom of the pool until it was too late. Let’s say to ourselves, we did do our duty.  We are human beings with human flaws, but we did everything we could possibly do for our loved ones with the knowledge we had. As for them, when they did this, they knew – there was no lifeguard on duty.

They were in charge.