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Chicago, IL 60654
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Choice of Words and Words of Choice

By Therese Gump, Survivor

As a longtime member of LOSS (Loving Outreach to Survivors of Suicide), I am sensitive to the use of certain words to describe the act of suicide. In accounts in the secular press, the word 'choice' has been one way of trying to explain the 'why' of such a desperate action. Even among the members at a LOSS meeting, a survivor might ask a question like, "Why did he/she make such a decision?", or "Why did he/she choose to end his/her life?". Other statements indict the deceased in a way with such comments as 'He had options" or "She knew we would do anything for her, no matter what. How could she do this to us?" In our confusion and pain, these are normal comments. That's why it's helpful to reflect on what we are asking or stating and what verbiage we use. It is important to ask ourselves, "Did they really have a choice?" Is a person in such psychic pain capable of making choices or decisions that are rational.? I think not. Their action was determined by a troubled mind, not a rational one.

Look at some of the horrific methods used to end their lives. I won't list them as that would be an unnecessary cruelty. Rather, I would ask each one of you who has lost a loved one to any suicidal action, to examine their final act and the method they used. It hurts to think about it, I know, but to do so may shed some insight on the mental chaos that brought them to that edge. In a sense, it was their light at the end of the tunnel, the only antidote for the pain. Please don't misunderstand, I am not justifying the act of suicide as a solution to human problems.

I believe I speak from a rational point of view. It is unthinkable to me, even now, to imagine my son, Joey, who died 30 years ago this month at age 21, would have the capability of hooking up hoses to his car, turning on the engine and sitting there until he stopped breathing. The note that he left behind just enforces his lack of clear thinking. It had kind of a "To Whom it May Concern. . .”  opening.

'Well there comes a time.
We all eventually do it.
Please don't blame anyone.
I am a total victim of society.
I suppose refusing to love someone
put the icing on the cake. I am afraid of something
somewhere, maybe I'll find it.
Please no wake, it would be embarrassing.
If I could feel love it would be
different but I can't. I also don't know
if I want to. It hurts so much.
Joey'

This was written on a sheet of paper from a business note pad. Across the top is MURPHY, MOTOR FREIGHT LINES, INC. and at the bottom is their slogan 'GROWING THRU SERVICE'  the detective who handled Joey's 'case' sent us the copy of the original with the following notation:

Mr. Gump (my husband had requested the note).
This is a copy of the note that you requested. Any other questions feel free to call. My card is enclosed.
Deputy James J. Langner
Anoka County Sheriff
Anoka, MN 55303

The words of the note are touching. My heart broke all over again each time I read it. They (the words) are also indicative of a troubled and confused mind - not a rational problem-solving one. I don't know what fears he had and how he could feel embarrassed but could not feel love. What is clear is that he hurt so much that he couldn't figure out how to make the pain stop without stopping his own life.

There's an expression that people use when they want someone to understand what they are trying to explain or where they are coming from intellectually. It goes something like this: “I just want to make sure we're on the same page." It is a certainty that no sane person could be on the 'same page' as the young man who penned the above note. It is an impossible task of a survivor, in this case, myself, to make any sense of the words on that note paper. Believe me, I tried. Between my tears and sadness and in my own confusion, I tried to comprehend his final act. I did the 'why?' thing; I did the 'if onlys' again and again; I wondered how he could make such a terrible decision. I failed to shed any light or come up with answers that would satisfy my soul. I decided that I would not continue this fruitless search.

In Joey's mind, stopping the pain was his goal. The pain was, itself, destroying his rational thought process. I can only conjecture that this psychic pain was the impetis for him to resolve the problem. He could no longer reason and, hence, the unreasonable act occurred. That rules out a 'choice' factor. Rational people make choices. Joey didn't choose to die. As awful as it sounds, his desperation to relieve his pain killed him. His death is the result of a troubled mind, a mind unable to find another solution. It could be said that this senseless death took all his troubles away. Dying was his only way out. I hope that he found his peace but I cannot comprehend nor approve of his means to that end. Suicide is never an answer.