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Pitfalls of the Healing Process

by Ann Smolin and John Guinan

Once a survivor begins to heal, predictable circumstances can occur that may trigger feelings that were thought to have been put to rest. The following ideas from the aforementioned book will help prepare you for these experiences and possibly make them easier to handle when they arise.

ANNIVERSARY REACTIONS
Suicide anniversaries stimulate a painful awareness of the absence of your loved one. Your sense of loss is accentuated by that person not being there to do certain things. Preparing ahead of time and changing routines may help diminish the pain you feel. One survivor had to change his Sunday routine so he would be less aware of his wife’s absence. He made sure he was out of the house for most of the day. He did not stop missing his wife, but he was able to alleviate the weekly trauma and sadness of a day at home.

An anniversary is a time to remember. Rather than hoping that each succeeding anniversary will bring less painful remembrances that the one before, you can plan how you wish to remember your loved one. When you plan a time for remembering, for reminiscing about past events, for sharing a song or poem, you evoke special memories and celebrate the person you have lost.

MILESTONES AS EMOTIONAL TRIGGERS
Normal changes that occur may also seem to reverse the progress being made toward recovery. Change is associated with growth but also with loss. Graduations, weddings, movies, even promotions mean moving on to something new while giving up something of the past. Each new step in your life moves you away from the experiences you shared with the deceased. At these times the deceased’s presence may be sharply missed, even after feelings of loss are no longer a part of daily life.

THINKING ABOUT SUICIDE YOURSELF
One of the most frightening reactions you may have to the suicide of a loved one is wishing to take your own life. It is a response to the intense pain and grief that you feel. It is a statistical observation that once a suicide has occurred in a family, its members are at greater risk for suicidal behavior. We are not sure why this is so. It may have something to do with inherited biochemical structures. It may be related to the repetition of learned behaviors. Whatever the reason, be alert to this risk. Rid yourself of self-destructive tools, especially those that the deceased used.

SUBSTANCE ABUSE
Looking at pain, feeling it, examining it, finding its roots, and most of all, not hiding from it are what we believe bring about growth and healing. One of the most common ways of masking pain and preventing recovery is through substance abuse. We urge you not to take this route to pain reduction. Although you may experience an initial dulling of bad feelings, you are merely postponing facing the pain that loss brings. The period following the suicide of a loved one can leave you vulnerable to alcohol and drug abuse. Be very aware of increased use and do not add this to your other problems.

THE DANGERS OF SELF-INVOLVEMENT
During mourning, you may find that you become extremely preoccupied with your own pain, grief, guilt, despair, and recovery from the suicide. You may feel that the suicide is the only thing you can think or talk about. Many survivors are angry that their friends are unsympathetic to their intense pain and grief. They tell us that they feel neglected and that people say stupid and insensitive things to them. Even worse are those friends who do not speak of the loss at all. Even in your bereavement you need to be aware that others are looking to you for clues about what you need and want from them. No one wants to upset you further. Many fear that to speak of your loss will be a painful reminder. Friends may be fooling themselves into believing that there are times that you forget your pain. It is essential for you to give signals about how you wish to be treated. It is crucial that you tell others how to help you.

Excerpted for The Lighthouse, SOS Newsletter, Volume 3 Issue, Published Quarterly, Spring 2006