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From the Desk of Father Rubey
Monday, September 18, 2017 by Father Ruby
During the month of October we celebrate two rather different events in our history. The first one is Columbus Day when we celebrate the man who discovered America. The other feast is Halloween when we put masks on to pretend we are someone famous such as Superman or a pirate or someone else who is famous or infamous.

I would like focus first on Columbus Day and the issue of discovering. There is a lot of discovering that goes on with survivors. They realize some things about themselves that they never thought possible. For those people who have lost a loved one to suicide it is very important from the beginning to choose just how you are going to best use your time in a constructive way.

By this I mean that as a survivor you are going to get a lot of advice on what you should be doing. Some practical advice that might not make sense, such as —you have other children in the event that you lost a child to suicide. Though well meaning and meant to distract from the intense pain and shock of the loss, survivors should determine just where they want to focus their attention.

In the immediate aftermath of the suicide there are certain tasks to be accomplished — funeral arrangements, taking care of other members of the family, and other tasks. Survivors are very resilient and achieve the seemingly impossible in the aftermath of this unbelievable happening. They might need to rely on a very trusted friend or family member to help in some of these decisions. Survivors need to trust a few people to assist in these tasks. It is very important to take one step at a time and not be too overwhelmed by the enormity of what has happened and what has permanently altered their life. The grieving process has not diminished a survivor’s ability to think and make good decisions. It can be helpful to seek out advice from trusted people but survivors should choose where to focus one’s attention. Survivors can learn and discover that they are still in control of their lives and that they can focus on what needs to be done for the good of the rest of the family. Survivors should take their time and not make any rash decisions that will not be able to be reversed. Nothing needs to be done immediately. Life will evolve in its natural course.

Survivors might think that their life is over and that they cannot go on without this loved one. Life does go on but life is very different once a significant person has died. Another part of the discovery of survivors in that they are able to bear and feel the pain. This is probably one of the more overwhelming parts of the journey of grief, but it is also one of the most important aspects. In order to successfully master the journey of grief it is vital to feel the almost unbearable pain of losing a loved one to suicide. Suicide is often looked upon as the unspeakable way to die and yet thousands of people in our country die each year from suicide. It is a different type of death than natural causes or accident. Suicide is inexplicable because survivors generally do not know precisely why a loved one decided to end their life. At the beginning of the grief journey it is incomprehensible why one would deliberately do something to end their life. Survivors blame themselves or other people for the cause of death, spending a lot of time trying to figure out why — no rational explanation satisfies this question.

Those of us who have never suffered from mental illness have no comprehension of the unbearable pain it can cause. Mental illness kills and can be as terminal as cancer or heart disease or any other physical ailment that takes lives. These types of illnesses are understood but mental illness is not understood as a fatal disease. People who complete suicide died from this illness.

Halloween is the other feast celebrated in October. It is a time when people wear masks to disguise themselves. Oftentimes survivors wear masks to hide the incredible pain they are experiencing. It is important for survivors to own up to how they are feeling and be honest with the people around them. It is okay to be sad and feel awful — it is part of the grief journey. Honesty is the best tool in working through the grief. It is dishonest to pretend that everything is okay.

It is not okay when a loved one has died from suicide. It is extremely painful to suffer the pain of a death from suicide. It is vital to own the pain and to share feelings with other people. The intense pain is not going to last forever, but it certainly is going to be a long journey. Admitting this fact to people who care can lessen the burden. It is not as if every person has to know all of the details of the pain, but survivors should not wear a mask to the world around them.

Will survivors get over this pain? No, but they will learn to live with this pain. That is all part of the grief journey. As always I want to assure each and every person of the LOSS family of my thoughts and prayers on a daily basis and I encourage each of you to do the same for each other and especially for those who have recently joined our family.

Keep On Keepin’ On,

Rev. Charles T. Rubey


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From the Desk of Father Rubey
Monday, September 18, 2017 by Father Ruby
During the month of October we celebrate two rather different events in our history. The first one is Columbus Day when we celebrate the man who discovered America. The other feast is Halloween when we put masks on to pretend we are someone famous such as Superman or a pirate or someone else who is famous or infamous.

I would like focus first on Columbus Day and the issue of discovering. There is a lot of discovering that goes on with survivors. They realize some things about themselves that they never thought possible. For those people who have lost a loved one to suicide it is very important from the beginning to choose just how you are going to best use your time in a constructive way.

By this I mean that as a survivor you are going to get a lot of advice on what you should be doing. Some practical advice that might not make sense, such as —you have other children in the event that you lost a child to suicide. Though well meaning and meant to distract from the intense pain and shock of the loss, survivors should determine just where they want to focus their attention.

In the immediate aftermath of the suicide there are certain tasks to be accomplished — funeral arrangements, taking care of other members of the family, and other tasks. Survivors are very resilient and achieve the seemingly impossible in the aftermath of this unbelievable happening. They might need to rely on a very trusted friend or family member to help in some of these decisions. Survivors need to trust a few people to assist in these tasks. It is very important to take one step at a time and not be too overwhelmed by the enormity of what has happened and what has permanently altered their life. The grieving process has not diminished a survivor’s ability to think and make good decisions. It can be helpful to seek out advice from trusted people but survivors should choose where to focus one’s attention. Survivors can learn and discover that they are still in control of their lives and that they can focus on what needs to be done for the good of the rest of the family. Survivors should take their time and not make any rash decisions that will not be able to be reversed. Nothing needs to be done immediately. Life will evolve in its natural course.

Survivors might think that their life is over and that they cannot go on without this loved one. Life does go on but life is very different once a significant person has died. Another part of the discovery of survivors in that they are able to bear and feel the pain. This is probably one of the more overwhelming parts of the journey of grief, but it is also one of the most important aspects. In order to successfully master the journey of grief it is vital to feel the almost unbearable pain of losing a loved one to suicide. Suicide is often looked upon as the unspeakable way to die and yet thousands of people in our country die each year from suicide. It is a different type of death than natural causes or accident. Suicide is inexplicable because survivors generally do not know precisely why a loved one decided to end their life. At the beginning of the grief journey it is incomprehensible why one would deliberately do something to end their life. Survivors blame themselves or other people for the cause of death, spending a lot of time trying to figure out why — no rational explanation satisfies this question.

Those of us who have never suffered from mental illness have no comprehension of the unbearable pain it can cause. Mental illness kills and can be as terminal as cancer or heart disease or any other physical ailment that takes lives. These types of illnesses are understood but mental illness is not understood as a fatal disease. People who complete suicide died from this illness.

Halloween is the other feast celebrated in October. It is a time when people wear masks to disguise themselves. Oftentimes survivors wear masks to hide the incredible pain they are experiencing. It is important for survivors to own up to how they are feeling and be honest with the people around them. It is okay to be sad and feel awful — it is part of the grief journey. Honesty is the best tool in working through the grief. It is dishonest to pretend that everything is okay.

It is not okay when a loved one has died from suicide. It is extremely painful to suffer the pain of a death from suicide. It is vital to own the pain and to share feelings with other people. The intense pain is not going to last forever, but it certainly is going to be a long journey. Admitting this fact to people who care can lessen the burden. It is not as if every person has to know all of the details of the pain, but survivors should not wear a mask to the world around them.

Will survivors get over this pain? No, but they will learn to live with this pain. That is all part of the grief journey. As always I want to assure each and every person of the LOSS family of my thoughts and prayers on a daily basis and I encourage each of you to do the same for each other and especially for those who have recently joined our family.

Keep On Keepin’ On,

Rev. Charles T. Rubey