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From the Desk of Fr. Rubey
Sunday, June 01, 2014 by Father Rubey
During the month of June we remember our Fathers on Father’s Day. It is a day that is set aside to remember our Fathers in a very special way –whether they are living or deceased. It is an especially painful day for Fathers who are grieving the loss of a child from suicide or any other form of death. It is also painful for those people who are grieving the loss of a Father from suicide or any other form of death. There will not be a gift from that person who is deceased or there will not be a gift for that Father who is deceased. The deaths are painful reminders of the permanence of the act. There will be no more gifts or cards either for or from that person who found life too painful to continue. If only death was not permanent but it is. That is the tragic effect of taking one’s life. Life is gone forever and there is no turning back or repairing. If only that loved one had given a little more thought to the ramifications of their actions. But the fact of the matter is that the pain had become so unbearable that another minute would seem like an eternity and impossible to endure for even a nanosecond. That is hard for survivors to conceive but it is the truth.

Men oftentimes are associated with work. For some men this is what defines them. Men spend a lot of time out of the home going about their profession or trade. They are the breadwinner and the support of the family. Times are changing now that women are in the workforce but in many instances men continue to be the principle breadwinners in the family. For many people work has a very negative connotation. It is not fun to go to work. People earn their wages from the “sweat of their brow”. It is very taxing, physically and psychologically. People get worn out from their work and need to rest after a day at work.

People who are grieving the loss of a loved from suicide are engaged in what is called grief work and believe me this is hard work. We often hear from survivors that they are very tired from the grief. Tiredness is a normal reaction from the grief because it does tax survivors physically, psychologically and spiritually. Exhaustion is a normal byproduct of the grief journey. The pain from grief is tiring and is the reason that survivors need to rest or take a nap.
Is there anything positive that can come from losing a loved from suicide? I do believe that there can be some positive results from such an experience. I am not talking about a “silver lining” coming from losing a loved one from suicide. Each survivor needs to ask themselves just what good can come from this excruciating and painful experience. What can a survivor learn from this completed suicide? That is the crucial question that needs to be asked. Can the survivor become a better person or a more thoughtful person? What lessons are to be learned?

Obviously survivors have to first get through the initial stages of the grief journey and come to the resolution that this loved one found life too painful to endure and that they are gone forever. That is one of the most painful parts of the grief journey. That part of the grief journey takes a lot of time and a lot of energy to get through. The question of lessons to be learned can take place concurrent to the resolution. Survivors need to ask themselves what lessons can be learned and what good can result from this nightmare?
The ultimate goal of the grief journey is not necessarily a return to happiness. That will happen eventually if the grief journey is successfully traversed. I am of the opinion that the correct response to losing a loved one to suicide is not a return to pleasure but it is a call to holiness. I don’t mean this in a religious sense but in the sense that survivors look upon life as a series of events that are sometimes positive and sometimes negative. The challenge for survivors is to see how this completed suicide can be redeemed into something sacred so that the memories of the loved one have a positive and lasting effect on the world and those who are grieving the loss of this loved person. It entails survivors to be creative and daring to discover something positive and lasting to remember this loved lone.

Survivors have formed foundations in memory of their loved ones. The money from the foundation is used to further issues about mental illness and other issues that are dear to the survivors. There are a myriad of opportunities to foster awareness about depression and services to assist the survivors of a completed suicide. The opportunities are plentiful and the thought behind these opportunities is to memorialize this loved one who found life too painful to want to continue living. These opportunities are sacred in that the pain resulting from the suicide is transformed and redeemed into something positive and helping force to other people in need. Will such efforts result in happiness? I don’t know if that is the right question to ask. I think that the right question to ask is will these efforts effect some change in the way that society views mental illness and suicide? If that is the sought after result, then there can be a sense of satisfaction and contentment that a loved one has not died in vain. The efforts of the survivors have resulted in something positive to the world. What a great gift to offer in memory of a loved one.

As always, I want to assure all members of the LOSS family of my thoughts and prayers on a regular basis during my quiet time. This will be done especially on Father’s Day. I encourage each and every one of our family to do the same for each other –especially for those who have recently joined our family.

Keep On Keepin’ On,


Archives:

From the Desk of Fr. Rubey
Sunday, June 01, 2014 by Father Rubey
During the month of June we remember our Fathers on Father’s Day. It is a day that is set aside to remember our Fathers in a very special way –whether they are living or deceased. It is an especially painful day for Fathers who are grieving the loss of a child from suicide or any other form of death. It is also painful for those people who are grieving the loss of a Father from suicide or any other form of death. There will not be a gift from that person who is deceased or there will not be a gift for that Father who is deceased. The deaths are painful reminders of the permanence of the act. There will be no more gifts or cards either for or from that person who found life too painful to continue. If only death was not permanent but it is. That is the tragic effect of taking one’s life. Life is gone forever and there is no turning back or repairing. If only that loved one had given a little more thought to the ramifications of their actions. But the fact of the matter is that the pain had become so unbearable that another minute would seem like an eternity and impossible to endure for even a nanosecond. That is hard for survivors to conceive but it is the truth.

Men oftentimes are associated with work. For some men this is what defines them. Men spend a lot of time out of the home going about their profession or trade. They are the breadwinner and the support of the family. Times are changing now that women are in the workforce but in many instances men continue to be the principle breadwinners in the family. For many people work has a very negative connotation. It is not fun to go to work. People earn their wages from the “sweat of their brow”. It is very taxing, physically and psychologically. People get worn out from their work and need to rest after a day at work.

People who are grieving the loss of a loved from suicide are engaged in what is called grief work and believe me this is hard work. We often hear from survivors that they are very tired from the grief. Tiredness is a normal reaction from the grief because it does tax survivors physically, psychologically and spiritually. Exhaustion is a normal byproduct of the grief journey. The pain from grief is tiring and is the reason that survivors need to rest or take a nap.
Is there anything positive that can come from losing a loved from suicide? I do believe that there can be some positive results from such an experience. I am not talking about a “silver lining” coming from losing a loved one from suicide. Each survivor needs to ask themselves just what good can come from this excruciating and painful experience. What can a survivor learn from this completed suicide? That is the crucial question that needs to be asked. Can the survivor become a better person or a more thoughtful person? What lessons are to be learned?

Obviously survivors have to first get through the initial stages of the grief journey and come to the resolution that this loved one found life too painful to endure and that they are gone forever. That is one of the most painful parts of the grief journey. That part of the grief journey takes a lot of time and a lot of energy to get through. The question of lessons to be learned can take place concurrent to the resolution. Survivors need to ask themselves what lessons can be learned and what good can result from this nightmare?
The ultimate goal of the grief journey is not necessarily a return to happiness. That will happen eventually if the grief journey is successfully traversed. I am of the opinion that the correct response to losing a loved one to suicide is not a return to pleasure but it is a call to holiness. I don’t mean this in a religious sense but in the sense that survivors look upon life as a series of events that are sometimes positive and sometimes negative. The challenge for survivors is to see how this completed suicide can be redeemed into something sacred so that the memories of the loved one have a positive and lasting effect on the world and those who are grieving the loss of this loved person. It entails survivors to be creative and daring to discover something positive and lasting to remember this loved lone.

Survivors have formed foundations in memory of their loved ones. The money from the foundation is used to further issues about mental illness and other issues that are dear to the survivors. There are a myriad of opportunities to foster awareness about depression and services to assist the survivors of a completed suicide. The opportunities are plentiful and the thought behind these opportunities is to memorialize this loved one who found life too painful to want to continue living. These opportunities are sacred in that the pain resulting from the suicide is transformed and redeemed into something positive and helping force to other people in need. Will such efforts result in happiness? I don’t know if that is the right question to ask. I think that the right question to ask is will these efforts effect some change in the way that society views mental illness and suicide? If that is the sought after result, then there can be a sense of satisfaction and contentment that a loved one has not died in vain. The efforts of the survivors have resulted in something positive to the world. What a great gift to offer in memory of a loved one.

As always, I want to assure all members of the LOSS family of my thoughts and prayers on a regular basis during my quiet time. This will be done especially on Father’s Day. I encourage each and every one of our family to do the same for each other –especially for those who have recently joined our family.

Keep On Keepin’ On,