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From the Desk of Father Rubey
Monday, September 01, 2014 by Father Rubey
I recently read an article that dealt with creativity and the gist of the main theme of the article was that in many instances there can be two opposing people or factors that come together and make a very successful product or movement. The author cited Paul McCartney and John Lennon as one example; Paul McCartney was very meticulous while John Lennon was chaotic. They each brought their talents to the table and were able to create some of the greatest songs in the twentieth century. Their different approaches were blended and the end results were masterpieces in the entertainment world.

I was thinking about the grief journey that all of you are traversing. You had wonderful and fulfilling lives and for the most part were enjoying life as it was unfolding. There were the usual pitfalls that all of us encounter as our lives unfold. There is the stress of work and paying the bills and raising children and meeting various deadlines that all of our lives experience. As we live our lives a certain rhythm unfolds and we go through life in a relatively smooth fashion. Then all of a sudden the bottom of our lives falls apart when a loved one completes suicide. The life that was being lived all of a sudden falls to pieces and the rhythm of life vanishes. Now what do survivors do?

In the month of September, Americans celebrate Labor Day. That is a day that we remember the workers of the country. The day was originally set aside to honor those people who work through the sweat of their brows –tradespeople who were seen as the backbone of society. Nowadays we honor all people who are working hard to keep our country going. All workers come together and make our country and the economic aspect of the country work as smoothly as possible. I am of the opinion that survivors of a completed suicide are the hardest workers around. Survivors struggle to put their lives back together again after this loved one dies from suicide. This is a monumental task in which to be involved.

Survivors are challenged to blend the life that they had before the suicide with the ensuing chaos that results from this type of death. This is a yeoman task to say the least. If there is to be a successful resolution in the life of the survivor these two seemingly opposing factors must be joined into the new life that the survivor will be living. At the beginning the survivor will fight the fact this loved one took their life. In most instances there were not concrete signs that this loved one was in trouble. Maybe the people around this loved one knew that they were upset and were going through a “rough patch” in life but never did the thought that they would kill themselves be part of the radar screen. Survivors never dreamt that their loved was that desperate that they would end up taking their life. Never.

This loved one ended up taking their life. This fact needs to be absorbed by the survivor. Call it what it is. Don’t fight the fact or gloss over it but own it and do all in your power to be able to accept the fact that it was a suicide. This is the blending of two seemingly opposing factors. These two factors do not belong in the life of the survivor but now they do because the unmentionable has happened. This is where creativity comes into play. Now that the unmentionable has happened in the life of the survivor what next? How can the survivor continue to live their life without this loved one? These two opposing facts –the life that was prior to the suicide and the life that is after the suicide—need to be joined. The first step is the realization that these two opposing factors are now a part of the life of the survivor. Is it possible to join these two happenings? Yes it is possible. For survivors of a suicide their life has not ended but has been altered permanently and after the suicide the work begins on joining these two factors. That is where the creativity comes in. Survivors must ask themselves how their life can be lived in the aftermath of this awful experience. How can the death of a loved one from suicide be joined to a life that was very happy and fulfilling? What tasks need to be done to make this happen? Where do the survivors go to find a direction for this new and different life?

A lot of thought and soul searching needs to happen in order for this successful joining and creative effort to be successful. The end result is not going to happen automatically. There are not going to be bells and whistles going off to direct survivors. Survivors need to assess the situation and come to the conclusion that in order for life to be fruitful and fulfilling certain things need to be put in place. The life that was prior to the suicide is over and now something new is on the horizon and the survivor needs to be creative and daring in order for this new and different life to be born and nurtured. What is going to give meaning to life since this loved one ended their life so tragically and suddenly and without warning? It takes time and serious reflection for a successful outcome to these questions. The first step is to be willing to wrestle with these questions and to sincerely seek an answer. This process is going to be different for each survivor. There is no boilerplate special for survivors. Survivors have different interests and different talents and it is necessary to discover what these are and then to act on them. The first task is a willingness to embark and discover the unknown in a life after a suicide.

As always, I want to assure each and every member of the LOSS family of my thoughts and prayers during my quiet time. I encourage each of you to do the same for each other –especially for those who have recently joined our family.

Keep On Keepin’ On,


Archives:

From the Desk of Father Rubey
Monday, September 01, 2014 by Father Rubey
I recently read an article that dealt with creativity and the gist of the main theme of the article was that in many instances there can be two opposing people or factors that come together and make a very successful product or movement. The author cited Paul McCartney and John Lennon as one example; Paul McCartney was very meticulous while John Lennon was chaotic. They each brought their talents to the table and were able to create some of the greatest songs in the twentieth century. Their different approaches were blended and the end results were masterpieces in the entertainment world.

I was thinking about the grief journey that all of you are traversing. You had wonderful and fulfilling lives and for the most part were enjoying life as it was unfolding. There were the usual pitfalls that all of us encounter as our lives unfold. There is the stress of work and paying the bills and raising children and meeting various deadlines that all of our lives experience. As we live our lives a certain rhythm unfolds and we go through life in a relatively smooth fashion. Then all of a sudden the bottom of our lives falls apart when a loved one completes suicide. The life that was being lived all of a sudden falls to pieces and the rhythm of life vanishes. Now what do survivors do?

In the month of September, Americans celebrate Labor Day. That is a day that we remember the workers of the country. The day was originally set aside to honor those people who work through the sweat of their brows –tradespeople who were seen as the backbone of society. Nowadays we honor all people who are working hard to keep our country going. All workers come together and make our country and the economic aspect of the country work as smoothly as possible. I am of the opinion that survivors of a completed suicide are the hardest workers around. Survivors struggle to put their lives back together again after this loved one dies from suicide. This is a monumental task in which to be involved.

Survivors are challenged to blend the life that they had before the suicide with the ensuing chaos that results from this type of death. This is a yeoman task to say the least. If there is to be a successful resolution in the life of the survivor these two seemingly opposing factors must be joined into the new life that the survivor will be living. At the beginning the survivor will fight the fact this loved one took their life. In most instances there were not concrete signs that this loved one was in trouble. Maybe the people around this loved one knew that they were upset and were going through a “rough patch” in life but never did the thought that they would kill themselves be part of the radar screen. Survivors never dreamt that their loved was that desperate that they would end up taking their life. Never.

This loved one ended up taking their life. This fact needs to be absorbed by the survivor. Call it what it is. Don’t fight the fact or gloss over it but own it and do all in your power to be able to accept the fact that it was a suicide. This is the blending of two seemingly opposing factors. These two factors do not belong in the life of the survivor but now they do because the unmentionable has happened. This is where creativity comes into play. Now that the unmentionable has happened in the life of the survivor what next? How can the survivor continue to live their life without this loved one? These two opposing facts –the life that was prior to the suicide and the life that is after the suicide—need to be joined. The first step is the realization that these two opposing factors are now a part of the life of the survivor. Is it possible to join these two happenings? Yes it is possible. For survivors of a suicide their life has not ended but has been altered permanently and after the suicide the work begins on joining these two factors. That is where the creativity comes in. Survivors must ask themselves how their life can be lived in the aftermath of this awful experience. How can the death of a loved one from suicide be joined to a life that was very happy and fulfilling? What tasks need to be done to make this happen? Where do the survivors go to find a direction for this new and different life?

A lot of thought and soul searching needs to happen in order for this successful joining and creative effort to be successful. The end result is not going to happen automatically. There are not going to be bells and whistles going off to direct survivors. Survivors need to assess the situation and come to the conclusion that in order for life to be fruitful and fulfilling certain things need to be put in place. The life that was prior to the suicide is over and now something new is on the horizon and the survivor needs to be creative and daring in order for this new and different life to be born and nurtured. What is going to give meaning to life since this loved one ended their life so tragically and suddenly and without warning? It takes time and serious reflection for a successful outcome to these questions. The first step is to be willing to wrestle with these questions and to sincerely seek an answer. This process is going to be different for each survivor. There is no boilerplate special for survivors. Survivors have different interests and different talents and it is necessary to discover what these are and then to act on them. The first task is a willingness to embark and discover the unknown in a life after a suicide.

As always, I want to assure each and every member of the LOSS family of my thoughts and prayers during my quiet time. I encourage each of you to do the same for each other –especially for those who have recently joined our family.

Keep On Keepin’ On,