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From the Desk of Father Rubey
Thursday, September 01, 2016 by Father Rubey
In September, we celebrate Labor Day and that has unofficially become the end of the summer months. Students return to school to begin another year of learning and engaging in the rigors of the academic challenges, no matter what level be it grammar school, high school or university or graduate school. Overall, the summer vacation time has ended. The wonderful trips are fond memories and daily life becomes routine and people settle into the various jobs or vocations that are a part of all of our lives. Very often, there is a feeling of letdown as we begin another part of the year of shorter days and bracing ourselves for the prospect of winter and bundling up to ward off the cold that is a part of the Midwest. There is also an emotional letdown as everyone engages in the schedule of work and the rigors of a schedule where there might not be a lot of down time and relaxation as there was during the summer months. People engage in the humdrum of work and not a lot of time to socialize. Summer is a time of a lot of outdoor activities, such as barbecues, going to parks or using the public facilities such as the lakefront in Chicago, or a forest preserves to walk and enjoy the beauty of nature. Certainly some of these public places are open during the rest of the year but there is more activity during the summer months. People enjoy being outside and soaking up the beauty of nature. The world seems alive with the chirping of the birds and the beauty of the fauna all around us. As summer ends the routine of life seems to lack the excitement that was a part of the summer activity. There is the transition of summer fun into the more somber routine of autumn and the winter months.

In the immediate aftermath of losing a loved one to suicide, there is generally a lot of activity in a family. People are very thoughtful in sending over meals and other signs of thoughtfulness such as cards and flowers. These wonderful gestures of support last for several weeks and months. They eventually drop off as people move on in their lives and other activities take up their time and energy. It is not that they have forgotten but they have moved on. Sometimes survivors hear comments or are asked the question such as “Aren’t you over this loss yet?” This could be after three or four months. Survivors become enraged at such a question or comment as well they should. For people who don’t know the impact of a completed suicide of a loved one they can ask such a question or make such a comment because they have not experienced such a loss. Such people are not mean spirited or insensitive they are merely ignorant of the fact that such a loss leaves an indelible mark on the psyche and soul of survivors. Survivors’ lives are permanently altered by the death of a loved from suicide. Nothing is ever the same after as before the death. A survivor’s life is never the same and friends and acquaintances oftentimes are ignorant of this fact. They want nothing but the best for survivors but they fail to realize that there has been a sea change in their lives and nothing is going to be the same after as before. There is a letdown for survivors in very much the same way as there is a letdown when the summer season is over and people return to the mundane and the ordinariness of life –back to work and back to school. The good times of summer are over and there is a return to the ordinary activities of life. For survivors of a suicide there is a venture forth in a very new way of life and that is to create a life after the death of a loved one. This is a major adjustment in one’s life. Survivors can experience a letdown from all of the attention that was afforded them in the immediate after effect of a suicide. Survivors are challenged to realize that survivor’s lives are permanently altered but the lives of friends and acquaintances are not changed in that way. These friends and acquaintances are moving on with their lives and they expect the lives of survivors of a suicide to do the same. Such is not the case. Sometimes survivors experience disappointment when people fail to afford them what they (the survivors) feel is the proper support and understanding. 

Survivors can share a gentle reminder to friends and acquaintances that lives are permanently altered after such a tragic event and life will never be the same. It is not that life will never be enjoyed again or there will never be any pleasure in the life of a survivor because there will be good times and pleasure but everything is different as a result of losing a loved one from suicide. The only way that people will be educated is by having survivors share in a very gentle and understanding way the fact that this event has left this indelible mark on the hearts and souls of survivors. Survivors are not dragging out or prolonging the grief journey. They are just reacting to this fact of life that losing this loved one from suicide has left such a void and the void can never be filled because this person is gone forever. That is a very cruel experience to absorb but that is what the grief journey is all about. The journey is an experience whereby survivors learn to accept the fact that their lives are different and will never be the same. Survivors will always be frustrated if they try to get back the life they had before this loved one took their life. That aspect of life is over and a new life will evolve and be created once this fact is absorbed and believed and accepted. This takes time and patience. This part of the grief journey cannot be rushed or raced through. It takes time to evolve. Patience is a vital part of the grief journey. It can and will take place over time and a lot of hard work.

As always I want to assure each and every member of the LOSS family of my thoughts and prayers on a regular basis each time that I celebrate Mass and have some quiet time. I encourage each of you to do the same for each other –especially for those people who have recently joined our family. They have become part of a group that they never wanted to join and have met wonderful people that they never wanted to meet.
Keep on keepin’ on



Archives:

From the Desk of Father Rubey
Thursday, September 01, 2016 by Father Rubey
In September, we celebrate Labor Day and that has unofficially become the end of the summer months. Students return to school to begin another year of learning and engaging in the rigors of the academic challenges, no matter what level be it grammar school, high school or university or graduate school. Overall, the summer vacation time has ended. The wonderful trips are fond memories and daily life becomes routine and people settle into the various jobs or vocations that are a part of all of our lives. Very often, there is a feeling of letdown as we begin another part of the year of shorter days and bracing ourselves for the prospect of winter and bundling up to ward off the cold that is a part of the Midwest. There is also an emotional letdown as everyone engages in the schedule of work and the rigors of a schedule where there might not be a lot of down time and relaxation as there was during the summer months. People engage in the humdrum of work and not a lot of time to socialize. Summer is a time of a lot of outdoor activities, such as barbecues, going to parks or using the public facilities such as the lakefront in Chicago, or a forest preserves to walk and enjoy the beauty of nature. Certainly some of these public places are open during the rest of the year but there is more activity during the summer months. People enjoy being outside and soaking up the beauty of nature. The world seems alive with the chirping of the birds and the beauty of the fauna all around us. As summer ends the routine of life seems to lack the excitement that was a part of the summer activity. There is the transition of summer fun into the more somber routine of autumn and the winter months.

In the immediate aftermath of losing a loved one to suicide, there is generally a lot of activity in a family. People are very thoughtful in sending over meals and other signs of thoughtfulness such as cards and flowers. These wonderful gestures of support last for several weeks and months. They eventually drop off as people move on in their lives and other activities take up their time and energy. It is not that they have forgotten but they have moved on. Sometimes survivors hear comments or are asked the question such as “Aren’t you over this loss yet?” This could be after three or four months. Survivors become enraged at such a question or comment as well they should. For people who don’t know the impact of a completed suicide of a loved one they can ask such a question or make such a comment because they have not experienced such a loss. Such people are not mean spirited or insensitive they are merely ignorant of the fact that such a loss leaves an indelible mark on the psyche and soul of survivors. Survivors’ lives are permanently altered by the death of a loved from suicide. Nothing is ever the same after as before the death. A survivor’s life is never the same and friends and acquaintances oftentimes are ignorant of this fact. They want nothing but the best for survivors but they fail to realize that there has been a sea change in their lives and nothing is going to be the same after as before. There is a letdown for survivors in very much the same way as there is a letdown when the summer season is over and people return to the mundane and the ordinariness of life –back to work and back to school. The good times of summer are over and there is a return to the ordinary activities of life. For survivors of a suicide there is a venture forth in a very new way of life and that is to create a life after the death of a loved one. This is a major adjustment in one’s life. Survivors can experience a letdown from all of the attention that was afforded them in the immediate after effect of a suicide. Survivors are challenged to realize that survivor’s lives are permanently altered but the lives of friends and acquaintances are not changed in that way. These friends and acquaintances are moving on with their lives and they expect the lives of survivors of a suicide to do the same. Such is not the case. Sometimes survivors experience disappointment when people fail to afford them what they (the survivors) feel is the proper support and understanding. 

Survivors can share a gentle reminder to friends and acquaintances that lives are permanently altered after such a tragic event and life will never be the same. It is not that life will never be enjoyed again or there will never be any pleasure in the life of a survivor because there will be good times and pleasure but everything is different as a result of losing a loved one from suicide. The only way that people will be educated is by having survivors share in a very gentle and understanding way the fact that this event has left this indelible mark on the hearts and souls of survivors. Survivors are not dragging out or prolonging the grief journey. They are just reacting to this fact of life that losing this loved one from suicide has left such a void and the void can never be filled because this person is gone forever. That is a very cruel experience to absorb but that is what the grief journey is all about. The journey is an experience whereby survivors learn to accept the fact that their lives are different and will never be the same. Survivors will always be frustrated if they try to get back the life they had before this loved one took their life. That aspect of life is over and a new life will evolve and be created once this fact is absorbed and believed and accepted. This takes time and patience. This part of the grief journey cannot be rushed or raced through. It takes time to evolve. Patience is a vital part of the grief journey. It can and will take place over time and a lot of hard work.

As always I want to assure each and every member of the LOSS family of my thoughts and prayers on a regular basis each time that I celebrate Mass and have some quiet time. I encourage each of you to do the same for each other –especially for those people who have recently joined our family. They have become part of a group that they never wanted to join and have met wonderful people that they never wanted to meet.
Keep on keepin’ on